Sticking out the gross days...

I hate, hate, hate, driving in this city. I actually don't care for driving in general, but I really hate getting lost in Madrid. (and with gas at obscene prices these days, who needs to be driving for hours around rotundas and up little side streets without hope of ever becoming un-lost?)


Today was Jessica to the rescue day. I had to force myself to do some things I don't feel comfortable with, because emergency struck our little school today. (again...)
I got a call from my boss as I was getting on the train, I could barely hear him, and I had to hang up and call back several times before I deciphered his weak plead, that he was practically unconscious on the side of the road, and could I please go get the other car and find him?
Luckily he came to enough to call an ambulance, because I was not going to make it to him with the other car for at least an hour. Plus, he couldn't even tell me where he was.

That was the start of my day. I went to the accountant, got last minute legal documents in order and mailed out (hopefully all signed and stamped as they need to be) went wandering all over to find the abandoned car, drive it to the hospital to pick up my boss, and get back to the school. Oh, I also taught a modern dance class in there somewhere.

I feel compelled to stay up typing this story (in spite of supreme exhaustion) because it verifies the basis of my decision to stay on for another year. I am needed here, and as a wise friend recently quoted to me: "My calling is wherever my greatest gift fills the greatest need."
I don't need to go make a need for myself somewhere else, I need to fill the gap I see right here.
Even though it is not at all appealing on days like today. Or when I am feeling restless and wanting change. Or when I am lonely and missing my family.
I think there are good things in store for sticking out the gross days like today.

Desperation and real estate.

I am afraid I might have to move...again. It was all so good, after a long summer of living alone in the outskirts of a city where I knew practically no one, and two months of imposing on dear friends in my state of homelessness, I finally found a place to settle. A really great place.

Eeeeshhh, I am already dreading the apartment hunt. It is NOT a fun pastime, let me state for the record.
I hope and pray it will just occur. The apartment will be found and I will be all moved in with Leah and maybe Mariana, without incident or desperate times of wandering through more of Madrid's hell-holes (valued at 900 euros a month, including moldy ham leg left on counter and permeating aroma of said ham).

I'll keep this updated.

Ahhhh...

Well, Jessica officially loves the south of France. I figured that would be the case.
Last week was the Euroretreat 2008, in Montpelier, on the Mediterranean coast of France.

I was a bit of a mess when I got there, and it took me a couple of moody walks on the beach and a nice long sleep to shake it off. It didn't help that I only slept one hour the night before, and sat in the Barcelona airport for 8 hours waiting for all my traveling buddies from La Coruña to arrive. Yet, when they did, it was like going home. Man, I miss them all so much.

What an intense week. I wrestled with the really messy details of my life and begged people wiser than me to help me answer the questions. It wasn't easy or anything, but when all was said and done, I felt free and ready to move forward. Thank God for these people who are so incredible, there are no words.
I got thousands of hugs from Sophia, co-lead a spontaneous dance party, shared in introducing people new to the wonderful brand of humor that is "The Office", and savored way too much cheese and wine. I met some new peeps from 5101, cool, great people from the Chicago offices.

And the trip home? Well, Andy rented a car and Nate, Sean and I got to drive with him all the way down the Mediterranean coast of France to Barcelona. We stopped one last time in France to eat, (I ate raw beef...it was not good) and got out of the car frequently to take pictures and walks and enjoy the journey to the fullest. Nate took me for a ride around Barcelona on the moto, (I'm not so scared in a city that is primarily bikes and pedestrians) and I even got to see Rebecca for a bit. All in all, I came home a bit lighter inside...possibly heavier outside from all the cheese and pastries, but it was worth it.

Too many homes...

I have been thinking about home lately. It is not that I don´t have a home, it is that I have many homes. I will eventually have an eternal home, but who knows when that will be? Sooo, in the meantime, I am deciding between the two countries I live in, the US and Spain, or maybe somewhere new altogether.

When I am here (Madrid) I am happy, and want to be here. When I am there (states) I am happy and ready to move back. It is frustrating to live overseas, I won´t lie. Everything is 10 times harder than it really needs to be, and I long for familiarity. But, every day has a bit of adventure to it and life is seldom mundane. Ya gotta love that...

I know that if I were to move back stateside, I would miss it here like crazy. I wouldn´t be able to remember how frustrated I used to get and why I ever wanted to come back in the first place. But it sure would be nice to not have to misunderstand and be misunderstood every day. (I am talking more about cultural differences than language at this point, because understanding the language does not = understanding the people and their ways, it really doesn´t)

It sure would be nice to be able to drive and visit my family, or hop on a plane and be there in a couple hours instead of fourteen.

Gosh, I suck at making decisions. Maybe I´ll just move to another country all together. You know, home is here, home is there, maybe I shoulsn´t live at home.

That doesn´t make any sense, but then neither does my life at this time.

Having a fun two weeks showing my cousin Hannah around my Spanish hometown and realizing that I have amazing people that I love and who love me in both of my homes, and for that I am thankful.

I don´t need more than that for the moment.

World Record Transitioner

I am getting to be a professional at this transition stuff. I am setting packing and unpacking records left and right. One hour today to unpack all my stuff and settle into my new flat. Took me only three hours to pack it all up in the States.
Maybe this will be the last major transition for a while, how great would that be?

Walked around to explore the new neighborhood today, starting to get used to the idea of being a "Madrileña" now. This city is exciting and diverse and I could find something new to see and do every night if I wanted.
Jet lag is hitting me a little weird this time. I fought the tiredness this afternoon so that I would be able to sleep tonight, and I now find myself completely wide-awake. Ughh, I hope this tea I have been drinking isn't caffeinated. Is white tea caffeinated?

Pretty much just anxious to jump into things, though…
Here's to diving into the thick excitement of unending possibility...cheers? salud?
Sure.

3 AM

t's 3 AM on my last night in La Coruña. I am too high-strung to sleep right now. In a minute I will go finish my laundry and close up my suitcase, and climb into the bed in this tiny, old spanish apartment that has become home.
It is such a weird mix of sadness, and nervousness and excitement and anxiousness and exhaustion. At this stage of the game, a lot more sadness. Makes me want to never get attached, never grow to love anyplace or anybody.
I am trying to find that independant- follow-God-with-abandon Spirit I once felt like I had. It has gotta be in there somewhere, right?
Gotta get some sleep.
I have a long drive tomorrow.

We'll just wait and see how the next two months go. Keep walking, eyes open, but you can close them sometimes.
I think I will go and force those eyes closed.

Dear childhood Jessica,

Do you ever have those startling moments when you realize you are a grown up?
I had one walking past a window downtown yesterday. Just out of the blue, caught my reflection in a travel agency window, and had the realization that A) I am an adult now and B) I am nothing like I ever imagined I would be when I was a child.
Did you ever try and imagine yourself as a grown up?
I always pictured myself as a mom in the 1980's. Chin length mom-haircut, big shoulderpad sweater, driving around a station wagon with two kids. I would talk on the phone to all my other mom friends and we would get together for potlucks and bible studies.
Kind of a weird picture, but I apparently thought time (and fashion) would stand still and I would turn into my mother. (though we never did have a station wagon...I always wanted one) This is when I was 7 or 8.
At age 15-16, I could not imagine life past college. My whole world revolved around that light at the end of the high-school tunnel...go towards the light...go towards the light...
Graduating from college I was not thinking so far down the road, I believe I was more interested in just FINDING the freaking road and getting on it.
Alright, so I found the road and I am on it, though I am not sure where it is going and the road signs are few and far between, I am traveling on the road.

All this is just to say, that somewhere in the middle of all that, I turned into an adult.
And it really sneaks up on you, grown-uphood.
Because nothing in life is predictable, and you just want to have some warning or some idea of what to expect, I find myself very thankful that there are no shoulder-pad sweaters or station wagons available and that I live in a country with no concept of the "potluck dinner",
because I might be tempted to make my childhood dream come true...beware the chin-length-mom-haircut!!

Dear childhood Jessica:
You will not be like you are picturing. Don't worry, though, it turns out a thousand times better!
Sincerely (no, really)
Adult Jessica

P.S. Stop letting your mother perm your hair, I think all those chemicals will fry your brain just a little and as an adult you will find yourself constantly boarding the wrong bus and wasting hours riding around the city in the wrong direction...

Divinity and the city bus

As I boarded the big blue city bus today to head into town and buy a Christmas tree, Joan Osborn's "If God was one of us" was starting up on the overhead radio.
This past summer I read "The DaVinci Code" (about two years after all the hype died down) and last night out of curiosity, rented the movie. Of course, the movie cut out a ton and changed the rest... One part I don't remember from the book had me thinking as I walked downtown today.
At the end of the movie, after they have deduced that Sofia is actually from the bloodline of Jesus Christ, she is "sangreal"...Tom Hank's character says something along the lines of "Maybe we don't have to deduce whether or not Christ was divine...Maybe there is divinity in humanity"
Well, while I believe that the book is based on...nothing substantial I also believe that Christ was divine. All this is not where I am coming from.
If you want to read an angry defense over this book, go to your local Christian bookstore. A lot of close-minded nuts have written books in contradiction and defense.
(many without having actually read the book they are angry about...when I say read, I don' t mean "scour looking for points to back your argument up")

My point is about divinity and humanity.
The reason I was feeling so strongly as I heard Joan sing her song on the bus this morning is because of Christmas.
"O come, o come Emmanuel" is, to me, what it is all about. Everything.
Remembering how long the world waited for God to come, to save.
Remembering that we are not alone, that God is with us, Emmanuel.
That God has come to us, saved us, and is making us holy. We are redeemed. We are of Christ's lineage, in a way stronger than blood. He chose us and paid the highest price.
Ironically, the song I listened to this morning talks about "the stranger on the bus" (you all know it...) and what I always try to do when I ride the bus is really see the people I am riding with.
There is the image of divinity in humanity.

(and I found a Christmas tree for three euros...it is a sad little tree that I like because it looks like Charlie Brown's)

haha...I am listening to "Come on, let's boogey to the elf dance!" on Sufjan's 42 song Christmas compilation, phenomenal :)