So very American.

I love this. Cold winter nights where I can curl up in my bed with a cup of decaf coffee and my thoughts. Lately my thoughts have turned towards living in another country. I’m not sure if I can do it. I’m required to be reading a book called: “The Survival Kit for Living Overseas” Next on the list of required reading is a book called “Crossing Cultures”.
I am so very American.
Will I be able to adapt? I barely speak the language, and I have limited experience in the world outside of suburban America.
Right now is so comfortable, warm and safe in my home with my family, a predictable job, good friends, a great church, even sufficient outlets for my dance and creative impulses.
Now, there have been those all to frequent times when I have felt as though I might die from squelched ambition. Moments where the need to go and do something big, something different was so great, so overwhelming, that I literally couldn’t breathe. If only I could bottle those times and save them to use later, when I feel like I do now: comfortable.

Truth is, I may feel comfortable, but oftentimes the biggest regrets happen in a moment of comfort.
Profound…
If what they say is true, and you regret things you did not do, more often than things you did do, than I would have to say that I fear regret more than mistakes.
It all comes down to risk. Talking about risk some friends a few years back, we all agreed that it all comes down to weighing the possible outcomes. If what I might gain is worth more then I risk losing, or if what I might succeed in is worth any failure, than I have to do it.

I am a slow driver.

That is one awesome blizzard outside right now...And the best part is that I don't have to work tomorrow!
And, for once, it was okay for me to drive excruciatingly slow on the highway...

Has anyone seen my scarf?

Sigh. Then close your eyes, then put on another layer.
If people could love each other as much as we are supposed to, this would be good.
Then again, I never cease to see how I think things should be and assume that's how they are supposed to be.
Because I know everything, right? (sarcasm, insert here)
Follow my lead...please don't.

I don't know where I am going.
I'm trying to follow someone, I hope I'm doing okay.
Where is my scarf? Because I wasn't being a drama queen this morning when I said it was cold, and no I will not haul the trash three miles down to the dumpsters.

You gotta stick to your principles.
Make a boy do it...they're always trying to be all tough.

Maybe we all are.

Autumn and road tripping...

I got back last week from the most wondeful trip. First, I flew into Virginia Beach and got to take a road trip with my friend Heather, whom I haven't seen in a few years. It was good times. Then, I got to spend a week preparing for Kandia's wedding.
That's right, my best friend, the ultimate romantic, had her dream wedding...and I was privileged enough not only to witness this event, but to stand up in it as her maid of honor, and to dance as part of the ceremony. Now, the honeymoon was canceled three days before the wedding, we got in trouble with the "cops" and one of the bridesmaids was almost arrested, we had three months worth of preparations to do in three days, and even a few other mishaps occured...still, I can honestly say it was the best wedding I've ever been to!

After the wedding, I got to take another road trip with my friend Mel to Jackson, MS to see all my college friends and church family. We stopped in Kingsport, Tennessee to stay the night with Mel's parents...it was hysterical. Mel needs to be a sitcom. She is a distinct character, and tells absolutely the best stories.
We toured Gatlinburg (Branson of the south, I decided) and drove past the big golden disco ball on a tower in Knoxville.

Life is sweet.
I saw everyone I love in Jackson. Man, I miss them.
But while I am not supposed to be there because it's not home anymore...part of me will always belong there.

An ode to change.

Life deserves to feel like autumn.
Because everything can suddenly change with one thick, cold, deep brush of wind.
We seek home while everything sheds what it formerly was and waits for what it can become. Many would say that spring is a picture of a fresh start and new beginnings, but I would have to disagree. Fall is.
Because the truth that no one likes to acknowledge is that it takes time for new life to grow. There are seasons, and hope inspires endurance. Hope begins when everything is cleared away.

That is why there is something sincerely beautiful about the air and the coolness and the colors. It's not about death at all, no, truly it is about hope.

Embrace this exquisite transformation, though it may take time, return to find rest in hope.

Amazingly enough, it is not something we must cling to with white knuckles. It may feel like that, but only if we fight it. It has already encompassed us, just let it exist.

I like to think it came in the form of a thick, deep, cold autumn wind.

My rock.

Okay...so it was a fabulous weekend. My mom and I went on a retreat, I got a cool pair of shoes, I "hiked" the flint hills of Kansas, sat in a really amazing pioneer church, studied Nehemiah, heard coyotes and owls, and this morning the tornado siren went off in the middle of communion.

But, even more than that, I read about a man in the Bible who I now like a lot. He had sooo much conviction, so much gut-wrenching passion when it came to doing something he knew the Lord was calling him to do, it was remarkable. I mean, the guy prayed, really prayed from the core of his being, for four straight months before he even began. Then, when people were making the job miserable, coming up against him, plotting ways to stop him, he pushed on with even more conviction than ever! Where is that kind of drive and conviction today? I wondered if it is in my own life...I want it to be, I know that much. I mean, yes, the Lord goes before us and does battle, but I think He would like it if we followed. (I kinda get the idea that's what he intends, huh?)

I took home a rock.

It's so I can get to work building my wall.

If you've never read Nehemiah's story, seriously, good stuff, it'll get to you.

alright. Table nine, your pizza is ready.

The huge gorilla question and the discovery channel

October 2005
One of my friends said she is having trouble believing in God anymore. She said that the doubts she usually has floating over her head have become like one of those giant gorillas that car dealerships use to draw people in to sales…all blown up and swaying in the highway wind.
Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about God, and who He is. I started to write a letter back to her and say whatever I could that would let her know that I know where she is coming from and also convey to her why I feel so strongly that God does exist. Maybe it would help her come to a place of rest…let the air out of that stupid gorilla.
Because here is where I am coming from. Mind you, it is not uncomplicated. I am not even sure I understand it, so muddled in my cerebrum it is. Yeah….
I ask that same questions everyone does…if there is this God that Christians say there is, why are things the way they are?



I’m watching the discovery channel right now. There is this guy writing all over a white board with this blue marker. He is scribbling, I recognize pi, and the quadratic equation, or something that looks vaguely high school algebra-ish but harder. And a whole bunch of other numbers and symbols. He’s going crazy; I’m tired just watching him.
You know what he’s doing? Trying to explain all the electricity in lightning.
Yeah. Because all it takes to understand God is a 3’x5’white board and a blue marker.
Oh, and I just saw a commercial that said next week the discovery channel is going to explore Jesus’ miracles. Good luck guys.

Now I love the discovery channel. It proves to me that I am not the only one trying to understand God. Everything on that channel is just people looking at creation and trying to explain it. Now I’m not anti science or anything. Obviously. I took medicine this morning that I need to stay alive. But there is a difference between science and trying to simplify God inspired awe and wonder into numbers on a white board.
Humanity doesn’t understand Him. Be-cause w-e c-a-n’t….
God created man in HiS own image. Not the other way around.

Doink Doink.

mm...our exchange student is singing downstairs. She sings in her room late at night when everyone else is sleeping. And it's really great, I truly enjoy hearing it drift up the stairs. Beautiful.

The other night I got together with an old friend, who I haven't seen in years. It was strange and good. We ended up driving out to the International House of Prayer and she prayed with me in the Europe room. Whoa, was that what I needed?
I feel better.

If you know me well, you know how obsessed I am with Psalm 84...So, yeah, I have read those verses (verses 3-9 of that Psalm) about 15 times this week, and saying them in my head as a way of reminding myself that the journey is indeed filled with autumn rains.
It's going to be better than I realize, and I should know from journals I've kept for years that times like these only produce amazing fruit, and that it is seen in hindsight.

I don't do this very often, I have a blog where I can post more pictures and stuff, but I do enjoy the comments and looking at everybodies sight, sooo I think I want to keep up still.

And also, I have a funny story:

I was at Starbuck yesterday, making the coffee, and I was the one at the espresso bar making all the drinks and calling them out, you know...I was like busily making them and calling: "Iced Venti Nonfat latte!" "triple grande mocha, for Joe!" "Tall orange mocha frappucino, for Derek", when all of a sudden I called out "Grande M-" (what the heck, double take, yes, folks, it was a grande milk.) "Grande Milk!"
So, all of a sudden the whole place is silent. They all stop, the music stops. Everyone is looking at me and the counter, wanting to see who in the heck paid like four bucks for a cup of milk, and who drinks just plain milk at Starbucks anyway.
I see this hand reach around the corner and this nervous little man grab the cup and scurry towards the door, head down.
My co-workers were like "Did you just call out a grande cup of milk?"

Yes I did.

Only time that's ever happened.
Sarah and Rach said it was a doink-doink moment.
I must wholeheartedly agree.

Genuine dirty feet.

I am currently exploring the wonder that is western Pennsylvania. They have rolling hills...that is hills that roll. And we had coffee last night at a coffee shop owned and operated by a crazy goat. Super fun.

I am still reading Jesus with dirty feet, and pondering Jesus and his response to people, ideas, situations. All I know is that the modern church and modern religion for that matter have created so many rules and standards that they defend in the name of being biblical, and it's really hard to break those down in my mind. For instance, when I am in the middle of a situation, wondering how to respond, I want to know how to respond in a way that is driven by love, and true to a heart that is following Jesus, but my mind immediately wants to respond in a way that I have been told to, that is the "right" way in accordance to my Christian upbringing.

But is "Christian" this set, standardized way of living, a creed, and commitment to a lifestyle? I was reminded while reading this book that Christian means "Christ-followers". That's all.

There's no rule, creed, or set way of life that is more important than first looking to Christ, to Jesus, and who he was, who he is, and who he longs for me to be. A Christ follower. To respond in love, in truth, and in accordance with who I have discovered Jesus to be.

Why have we made it so difficult? And where did things get so off course?

La dah dada dah da....

I was super motivated this morning and got up to take a jazz class. This class, which I have been taking every Tuesday, is so much fun, but we do this ab workout in the middle of class that makes us want to cry, it is seriously killer...and the funny part is that the teacher likes to put on Jack Johnson's "Bubble Toes" while we suffer...so we laying there on the floors like beached whales.....in complete ab workout misery, all the while Jack is just a "La da da da dah dah....la da da da dah...."
Glad he's having a good time.

Anyhow, I will actually write later, and go check out some other people's sites, I really will...but I am goin to be late to work...and I already got busted for that yesterday...so poor Ica...

Bye for now....

Don't pick up.

This weather is perfect for me...I love it, gray and thick and filled with introspective possibilities.

I just picked up a call from Starbucks, almost always a mistake. man.
Closing on Valentines day. Ok.

I am reading this amazing fiction series by Karen Kingsbury and Gary Smalley called the Redemption series. I seriously havent put the books down for like five days straight. Incredible stories, very real, very powerful. Check it out if you are looking for some fiction that will really challenge you and make you think.

Love and rainy days and cinnamon soy lattes.