I care not for consistancy...

I am motivated by change.
This is why I am not very motivated right now. Monday morning, I find myself sitting at the reception desk in our school, answering phones and writing emails (okay, so I'm pausing to write this) again.... Another week of work, more work than before, now that I'm looking around and taking inventory.
I have always known that I thrive on change, that's nothing new. But I have realized that without change I can grow very apathetic.
That's probably no good.
Next week I am moving for the sixth time in two and a half years. I want to think that a new apartment will be enough change to motivate me a little more. I have this idea that it will inspire me. I will want to cook, write, and draw again. Maybe I'll go back to practicing the guitar. I need my creativity to be refreshed, because this past year and summer session sucked quite a bit out of me. Even though I am not going home, or traveling anywhere (because I have no money...) I am forging heavy battle against my pessimistic tendencies (my mother would be so proud) so I can step into August and the coming school year in expectancy and hope.

Is it alright to need change like that? I just don't foresee myself ever not needing it so badly...

7:30 am, Madrid, Bus 65...

I was craning my neck looking for “For Rent” signs whilst riding bus 65 to work this morning when I discovered something.
If you stretch your gaze towards the peaks of tall buildings while winding through narrow streets on public transportation (or private transportation, I suppose) and you allow the sun to catch your face for just a second before you inevitably squint your eyes…for just that split-second there is an amazing metaphorical sensation.
It captures perfectly the perspective from which I find myself viewing the world and my personal circumstances as of late.
Swirling and bending, looming tall above me, but also thoroughly surrounding me on all sides, this season has me feeling slightly dizzy and so very small, tucked deep inside of something much more profound and expansive than I would like to acknowledge.

So much of my life right now is wildly out of control. Wildly out of my control, that is. I could list all the areas of my existence that have suddenly taken flight and started soaring around me, taunting my human need for containment and understanding, but it is not necessary. Suffice it to say they are all pretty substantial.

My reaction to this season has been to draw everything into an intense thought life, rolling stuff around my brain until I go crazy. I guess I assume my brain can handle stuff that my emotions could not. Being both female and artistic, my nature lends itself to reacting to everything with feelings, and so I guess I have given more credit to dealing with things intellectually than is actually due. Neither one works completely.

A very wise mother as well as a very dear friend has been just the right human voice to talk me out of this dizzy and floating intellectual wrestling match.

Today I embraced that which has been made tangible. My cute little campers, music, dance, laughter, a mop and broom, perfectly ripe cherries, friendship…

As for the rest, well, sometimes you just have to let your head fall back and let the world swirl around you as you give into the all-knowing and all-encompassing guidance of the Creator of this journey.

Can you die from lack of solitude?!

It’s going to be a long month, folks. Only two days into this schedule and I am fairly certain I will not survive. Could be a close call.
Working from 7 am to 11 pm, children's camp all morning and hours of adult dance classes all evening, (with little more than 45 minutes to eat midday) = not our best idea. Period.

And for me, the most frustrating part is not so much tiredness, as it is being absolutely, completely surrounded by people all day. I start to grow edgy and irritated if I can’t find a moment of solitude. It’s ridiculous, I tell you. Even in the bathroom I can hear them outside asking where I am, because I need to find a list or make a phone call or answer a question. I realize I come off looking like a jerk, because I blame it on tiredness when I am short with someone, and I know that we’re all working the same schedule, so what right do I have?
I mean, is it ever okay to say to someone: “Well, I am actually not just tired, and you’re really great and all, but you have got to stop talking, go away and leave me in peace before I start to have nervous spasms”?

Please tell me that it is okay, because my only other option is to run away. And since I am already planning on trying that option out tomorrow and this weekend, I will be in need of a plan B.

Haha…there’s something so pathetic about so much whining coming from the person that works her job “for the relationships she builds with people” (direct quote from my job description). I wonder if I am fulfilling that line in my contract before or after I tell them to shut up and leave me alone…?

I hope and want to believe that there has got to be some grace, even for the most irritable of introverts…sigh.

1 o’clock am. I am finally alone, and here I am writing to a mass of people.

And I don’t even have Internet and won’t be able to post until tomorrow. What is wrong with me?
Nevermind.